The Avengers: Two of These Women Just Don’t Belong

So…What Is Their Superpower?

A lot of people are going nuts over the new Avengers movie, but not me. I can’t get past their deplorable recruitment and selection decisions in the face of battling Loki, Asgard’s most powerful sorcerer.

Some of you see where I might be going with this. She doesn’t even…ok let’s take a look:

BLACK WIDOW THOR HULK
black widow avengers Thor Avengers Hulk avengers
She’s…a trained agent endowed with the ability to age slowly. He’s a GOD. He’s superduper strong, has ‘vast leaping abilities’ (thanks Wikipedia), and is doctor smart.
MARIA HILL CAPTAIN AMERICA HAWKEYE
Maria Hill avengers Captain America avengers
She’s…a trained agent. Cap has a vibranium-steel alloy shield and is an expert martial strategist. No troupe is complete without a second-rate dancehall artist.
IRON MAN
iron man avengers
The Man of Iron can fly, has fat stacks, and can zone your ass into submission with his comic hadoukens.

With Bullets? I’m Just Saying…

So yeah, we’re going to fight this intergalactic villain, and we need to round up the best and most powerful team that the Earth has to offer…why don’t we get females that, from all accounts, are…extremely deadly with a gun…?

Yeah, uh, last time I checked, firearms don’t inflict a whole lot of damage to INTERGALACTIC SORCERERS. At least they don’t in my continuity.

But Mike, they’re smart, and have held progressively senior positions in S.H.I.E.L.D. That kind of upward mobility speaks volumes about their potential…

Oh yeah? Kind of like Nick Fury, who’s in CHARGE OF S.H.I.E.L.D.? I’m not trying to be sexist here, quite the opposite. I’m just saying that if you’re going to make a movie with an ensemble cast of superheroes, you should, I dunno, get some women that are like, super

ROGUE ELEKTRA SCARLET WITCH
rogue elektra scarlet witch
She’s fly, superduper strong, and can absorb her enemy’s powers. See? That can help. She can take control of people’s minds and is, like, international ‘where are you from oh I’m a mix of irish japanese italian and native‘ hot. Probability manipulation? She’d be like the Queen of Dice.

Dude…Elektra’s so hot…I’m just sayin’, if she was real…dude…I’d totally look her up on plentyoffish…I’d send her this really thoughtful message that quoted all of her interests and even the stuff she mentioned in the long middle paragraphs. We’d chat for a bit, exchange digressions until the wee hours of the morning, and then we’d meet for coffee. She’d be wearing Old Navy and I’d be wearing Old Navy, oh crap, but then she can enter my mind…and know everything I’m thinking…ah forget it then.

I love you scarlet witch

MJ

About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
This entry was posted in My Comedy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s