How To Write Compelling Plenty of Fish Messages

Recently, I joined an online dating site called Plenty Of Fish, and quickly realized that I should have worked out and ate right for a year before joining the site.

Challenge: Get girls to respond to my messages.

Solution: Take the time to craft personalized, sincere messages that say, ‘I’m interested in more than just getting a whiff.’ However, even with a concerted effort, the responses haven’t been as bountiful as I would’ve hoped.

I thought I’d share a few of the messages that I’ve sent in case you guys are able to give me some pointers. Note: These are actual messages that I’ve sent to women…I’m so super serial…

Update: If you’d like me to craft a personalized message for a girl/guy you’re trying to court online, send me a link to their profile via the comments section and I’ll do my best!

Background: She indicated she was an engineer.

Hi there,

My name’s Mike. That’s cool that you’re an engineer!

Sometimes I’m amazed at bridges…I mean, they are supporting multiple vehicles all day long…we should really have a National Bridge Day, or maybe National Engineer day would be better. National Bridge Day would mean Starbucks would be full of 65-year old women wearing white, thin, doily blouses, eating coffee crisp, swapping the daily gossip.

Talk soon :)

MJ

Background: She posted a video featuring one of those dancing flash mobs.

Hi there,

My name’s Mike. I’ve never understood flash mobs.

I mean, when there’s a flash fire, it happens very quickly, with very little planning. Flash mobs, on the other hand, appear to my naked eye, immaculately planned and organized. But perhaps they are channelling the mafia version of the mob rather than the riot version. In that spirit, I believe, ‘flash organized mafia dancers following choreography’ might be a more apt title.

But flash mob rolls off the tongue a lot better, I guess…

Talk soon :)

MJ

Profile Pictures on POF

Background: She indicated she was a TV Commercial Coordinator

Hey there,

My name’s Mike. Is that for real that you’re a TV Commercial Coordinator? That’s cool…depending on what you’re coordinating. Like, if you’re the casting director for a commercial, I can imagine it’d be maddening, especially if you have to pick people that are amazed at shamwow’s…

‘Please, a little more excitement….no, excitement with your face, not your arms…next…’

Talk soon :)

MJ

Background: She said she was a country girl.

Hi,

I’m a country guy, too. Ok well maybe not. I like the country because it’s dark and I can see the stars. Ok I’ll admit: I’m more of an astronomy guy.

Close enough?

MJ

Women Don’t Want to Date

Background: She said she believed that there was someone out there for all of us.

Hi,

I’m not so sure that there’s only one person meant for us. If we’re compatible now, but who we are fundamentally changes, it would make sense that we’d go our separate ways.

Probably the worst POF message ever. I mentioned breaking up after saying, ‘hi.’

MJ

PS – At the time of writing this, I did believe that when people changed, that meant that they should separate – I’ve changed my mind about this. I think that even when a couple changes, they can make it work because what they do doesn’t make them who they are. That said, they should probably be on the same page with regards to kids. If one person wants kids and the other one doesn’t, I can imagine how that would work.

Furthermore…”That is, we understand that we are entities passing through a life in which the entire life drama is a curriculum for our awakening. We see that the life experience is a vehicle for coming to God, for becoming conscious, for becoming liberated. And we understand that ultimately that’s what we’re doing here.” – Ram Dass, Grist for the Mill

Background: She mentioned that she likes a guy that plays instruments.

Hi,

I remember my friend Mark and I were the best recorder players in grade 3, and Mrs. Euhlarek had us play Good King Wenceslas for Mrs. Vodden, the Secretary. Her reaction escapes me, and we may or may not have been interrupted by a phone call.

MJ

Background: She said she loves to draw.

Hi,

You sketch? I’m not that good at it. I paid my friend’s little brother $2 to do my sketchbook in grade seven. The teacher gave me 50%.

Turns out that a brown guy with a sketchbook full of anime isn’t as believable as I thought it might be…

MJ

Background: She indicated she was a singer (songstress?)

Hi there,

My name’s Mike. You sing?! That’s awesome. I’ve played instruments all my life, but after puberty found it tough to sing to r&b, you know? Not you know as in you’ve experienced it, because I think it’s only guys voices that crack, but you have an idea of what I mean when I say Boys II Men were no longer accessible sing-a-long songs…

Talk soon :)

MJ

Background: She didn’t write much on the profile, but I noticed something in the background in one of her pictures.

Hi there,

Thought I’d say hi. Nothing much to go on, so I’ll compliment you on your smile, hair, and mandatory hutch in the living room ;)

Talk soon :)

MJ

Background: She indicated that she liked eating cookies in bed.

Hi there,

My name’s Mike. That’s odd…there’s nowhere on your profile that indicates hot yoga, travelling, reading, ambition, and the other things that I thought every girl does nowadays.

You know…soft & chewy chips ahoy used to be better…I don’t know what they did with the formula, but there’s a weird aftertaste to it now…I got a red underline spelling mistake indicator for aftertaste, but decompounding the word into, ‘after taste’ sounds like an instruction rather than a description…

Ok so I think that kind sums me up.

Talk soon?

MJ

Background: She said that her profession was Karate Hockey.

LMAO karate hockey – I think there was a guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtles who founded that style…Casey Jones was his name, and he called the style Hockey-do (way of the white man). Great was he.

MJ

Background: She indicated that she was skeptical (she spelled it, ‘sceptical’) about online dating.

Hi there,

My name’s Mike. I guess you have a good reason to be skeptical about online dating…there are a lot of weirdos out there, which is exactly something a weirdo would say to gain your trust, but I figured I’d state the elephant in the text box just so it’s out in the open.

Sorry,

MJ

I met a guy that told me that, according to Tony Robbins, I’m a state changer. Thanks, Daanish!

Michael Jagdeo

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About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
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11 Responses to How To Write Compelling Plenty of Fish Messages

  1. womanwhowritesstuff says:

    LMAOIMHBIAAW….Laughing My A@# OFF IN MY HEAD BECAUSE I AM A WORK! By far, the funniest thing I’ve read all day! Great post.

    • Hey Woman!

      My name’s Mike. So you’re at work eh? I never liked working in an office, mostly because after awhile I noticed that I was the uncool one. Like, the other people would talk by the watercooler, go to each other’s desks and hang out, but people would only come to my desk when I was late with a deliverable, or to ask the obligatory, ‘Can we get you something while we [not you, but we] go out for coffee?‘ So yeah, corporate life was like high school in that regard…

      That said, I’m glad that some of my textual misadventures were able to bring a smile to your face as you pressed ‘Send/Receive’ hoping that an interesting, non-work related email, was about to trickle down the internet pipes.

      Talk soon? :)

      MJ

  2. hahaha…love the sham wow tv commercial line!

  3. Hmmm! I met my hubby online – and some of these responses would catch my interest, and some would make me think you were bored and focusing on the trivial. Then again, I didn’t talk about myself in a trivial manner so perhaps if this was all you had to work with…? I’d advise the same as with comedy – find a common ground and use that to start a conversation.

    • Hello again HTBS!

      Yeah, often times there are online dating profiles that are quite succinct, so I just try and latch onto an interest and run with it.

      There’s a concept in marketing called the Just Noticeable Difference (JND) that’s influencing my decision to go abstract. In a sea of advertising, marketers were told that their messages would have to be unique/engaging enough (pass the JND threshhold) to grab their target market’s attention. So that’s the type of approach I’m taking…

      But the biggest thing that women are initially attracted to is the physical, especially on sites like these. That’s why I’ve lost 7 pounds in the past week and am working out everyday lol.

      I should mention that these messages would never have happened without the influence of one of my new favourite comedians is a guy named David Dineen-Porter, who to me is the absolute king of going abstract and making it hilarious…he’s also very intelligent, so the abstractness is also surprisingly accurate and full of connotations. This clip should do the trick (especially 1:00 – 2:00)…

      His performances have taught me that there is a whole world in your mind that you often keep tucked away…a world that, while initially weird, can paint some of the most interesting/compelling pictures imaginable in the audience’s mind.

  4. How would you do ones for a universal job such as, looking after kids in pre-school or loves books?

    • She Looks After Pre-School Kids

      Hi there,

      That’s so great that you work with kids! I love playing with my nieces and nephews, especially because when they get mad, I can just pawn them off to their parents and close my room door. It’s like having kids, only better!

      Talk to you soon!

      Jagdeo

      She Loves Books

      Hi,

      Wow! You sound like you read a ton, and that’s so hard to find these days. What have you read lately?

      I read a lot, too. Well, I mean, I listen to audiobooks. Does that count?

      I mean, in a way, it’s a lot better than reading, because you can close your eyes and use your imagination to conjure up images while the professionally-trained actor does the heaving lifting.

      So yeah, you should listen to audiobooks instead of reading. Perhaps we can make a date of it? We’ll get together put on an audiobook of our choosing.
      :)

      Jagdeo

      PS – You’re not the type of person that talks during the audiobook are you? I hate people that do that.

  5. Tyrone says:

    All in the girls profile it said she liked sushi

    • Hi Miko,

      You’re a fan of sushi? Noooo way – meeee toooooo!

      What’s your favourite menu item? Man, I loooove the beef teriyaki and chicken wings. How do they get it to taste so chinese!?

      Kya-Tah*!

      Tylone (that’s what the waitress calls me)

      *Chun-li voice

  6. Bill says:

    I have one with not much said… she likes football, the vikings, pow wows, and the general stuff, cooking, movie, hiking, fishing etc

    • When they don’t say much, it’s tough, but here goes…

      Hi [InsertName],

      Shut the front door – YOU’RE a Vikings fan?!? Me too!! Who’s your favourite Vike? Mine’s Erik the Red. Man, the way he named it Greenland to trick the folks back home into thinking that he was discovering bountiful lands so he could get more funding – brilliant!! And then…um, ok…nope; that’s all I remember about the Vikings.

      Finally! Someone I share some actual common ground with.

      Your fellow explorer,

      Bill the Red*

      *That’s my Viking Name

      PS – I really hope we invest in a Cornerback. Seriously.

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