How To Avoid Dating Expensive Women

The major problem with dating isn’t that it feels like you’re having the same conversation over and over. It isn’t even that the cameras used to take online dating profile pictures seem to take off 25 pounds. The problem with dating is that it’s expensive.

I went on a first date the other day that cost me $40 plus gas, and I believe that’s way too much money just to get to know someone. Ever change your order because the other person had the audacity to order from the third page of the menu? I have.

I can’t keep going on dates with women that are going to suggest that we engage in one expensive activity after another. So how do I predict if a women likes the finer things in life when I’m browsing through profiles on PlentyOfFish??

You like cottaging

Cottaging  Yeah Fuckin Right

I can’t afford a cottage, renting a cottage, or even the gas to travel to said cottage, let alone the costs incurred once we get there. (Click here Gas Prices Molding Mating Patterns Digression)

How about local parking? Oh, you’ll love local parking. We can walk there, and with the gas money I’ve saved, we can have a picnic with a spread courtesy of the McDonald’s Value Menu (limit of three items per person, please).

You like to travel

You like traveling, do you

Oh yeah? You’ve fed monkeys in Thailand and shopped till you dropped in Prague? Florence took your breath away and you found the rolling hills of Ireland haunting? Let me stop you right there. Girls often complain about guys posing with their shirts off, but girls are egotistical too…just in different ways.

I get it: you travel. I heard you the first five times. Maybe you should have learned a bit of humility when you went to India. Did you see anyone bragging that they spoke four languages? Of course not. You know why? Because people in India are actively trying to relinquish their ego, not feed it.

Twenty years ago, travelling helped people broaden their horizons. Nowadays, it makes them egotistical assholes in conversation. They just look for every chance they get to incorporate their travel stories into regular conversation:

Even starving somalians can't eat Big Turk

Me: What do you guys want to eat?
Well-travelled snob: Oh, you know, when I was in Somalia, all they had to eat was Big Turk, which is why they looked angry and hungry all the time.

Ok…ok well that’s a good point. Nobody can swallow Big Turk, not even the starving. But…you know what I mean. Travelling is supposed to make you a better human being, not a louder one.

You Like Fine Dining / Martinis

i aint buyin no goddamn martinis

Some girls pose with martini glasses in their hand. A martini in your hand means you like to drink…from the top shelf. That means that one date with you will bankrupt me for a few weeks, and that wouldn’t be fair to the other girl(s). Ok who’s kidding who…there’s no (s).

And fine dining, eh? You like fancy restaurants? You want to order from the third page of the menu, eh? You want to pretend that you can fully appreciate the wine selection that the waiter is suggesting to you? Yeah, right. I’ll pay for your next 5 dates if you can differentiate black current from cherry. Allow me to introduce you to ctrl+w.

I know what you want: you enjoy being seen in a fancy place with the martini glass in your hand more than you actually enjoy the food and drink itself. I understand.

You’re Jumping On A Beach

no girl of mine is jumping on a goddamn beach

I never understood these pictures. Are you trying to show off how high you can jump? Because you’re not really jumping that high. And that face you’re doing in the picture is like, ‘I only have energy for two jumps, and this is the second of those two jumps so you better get this shit right! Aaaaahhhhhh!’

This is also why I’ll never agree to the be the best man at a wedding…because you know the bridesmaids are going to suggest the jumping in the fucking air picture, and that I just cannot abide.

What About Splitting The Bill?

splitting the bill doesnt work

I had a girl offer to split the bill on dinner. As I considered my response, I could feel my penis shrivelling into my belly, as if to say, ‘Well, you won’t be using me anytime soon.’ I declined her offer, but the mere fact that I hesitated for that split second while I was considering her proposal screamed at her so loud that she couldn’t hear me being a nice guy.

And it’s not that I don’t get it. Evolutionarily speaking, women should look for men who have money. Why? Because as girls get older, they’re not looking for a boyfriend; they’re subconsciously looking for a father. An abundance of currency means that a man can house and otherwise adequately take care of them and their future kids. That’s why women love guys in a uniform: uniform not only means money but it also signifies strength, which comes in handy when the young need protecting.

That said, men, on the other hand, were also sprung from evolution, and our interests are different. Our interests lie solely with ensuring that our species survives, which gives us the urge to have numerous sexual partners. A male’s commitment to sex is five minutes. A woman’s, 18 years. No wonder they’re infinitely more selective than we are.

Ok, I got kinda unfunny and nerdy in the end, but oh well. For more information on humans and polygamy, I suggest reading Sex at Dawn, or listening to the author do a podcast with Duncan Trussell.

Gas Prices Molding Mating Patterns Digression

zombies for gas

Ok, I realize that I could only be speaking for myself, but the price of gas has lead me to turn down dates with girls that live farther than 20 minutes away. I’m literally getting cock-blocked by petrol.

Think about that for a moment…gas is so expensive that it’s affecting the mating patterns of human beings, forcing them to consider only humans living in their immediate vicinity. Damn…now that’s what I call social stratification!

You see, the great thing about the intermarrying of different cultures is the sharing of cultures, thereby transforming from cultural automatons blindly following their conditioning to people that can appreciate different styles of living. To get an idea of the ramifications resulting from people mating with their neighbours, consider what happens in the deep South of the US. Scary, eh?

And that has me worried because…I don’t want to date a lot of the girls within a ten-mile radius. Many of the girls my age already have children…not child, children. There’s something about pushing another man’s child in a stroller that makes me shudder. Ever see a 20-year old pushing a stroller in a mall? They walk slow. You know why? Because they no longer have anywhere to go.

It’s interesting that when someone has a kid and they’re single, it counts as a strike against them. Why? Presumably because it indicates that they were, at some point in their life, irresponsible or a bad judge of character…or really drunk. But I think unprotected sex is like drinking and driving: we’ve all done it once. Now, most of us have gotten lucky and gotten by with just a scare, while others have been caught and gotten booked…for life. And you shouldn’t judge someone’s character on probability, should you? But then again, if you’ve had two kids, you also can’t blame probability, either.

About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
This entry was posted in My Comedy and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

What do you think?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s