Bit – Grocery Store Awkwardness

Hello again,

One of the ideas that I had for this blog was to involve you in my writing process. I’ve always thought of writing as an art form, but I also do believe that there is a science when it comes to communicating ideas. For example, there’s an art to comedic timing in stand up comedy. Similarly, there is a science when it comes to structuring a bit.

So here you are: the first bit that I’ve ever penned called, ‘Grocery Store Awkwardness.’ It’s in point-form and I’ve tried to leave it as unedited – but readable – as possible. Dane Cook has done a great job of minutiae storytelling, delving into modern life as only he can, and I can imagine him doing a great job of delivering this bit.

  • I’m a very socially awkward guy,
  • I think i’m socailly awkward because i think a lot and when you think a lot in social situations, it makes things very complicated, you know that phrase keep it simple stupid.
  • and so for example, grocery store, ok you know when it’s very busy in a grocery store, and you’re standing in a lineup, and a new lane opens up…and in a busy grocery store, a new lane opening up, when it’s mad busy, pff, that’s like the heaven’s opening up when the storm is at its worst…
  • and let’s use the unit of measurement of a full grocery shopping kart; that’s a measurement of how busy it is in terms of a lineup, and you’re four deep, five is crazy – that’s thanksgiving
  • lets’s asy we’re 4 deep, and how awkward is it, at least for me, and say you’re third, and a new lane opens up
  • what’s happening is that that lady, a short black indian or white lady….i just mentioned every race except for chinese…she’s there, and you don’t know if she’s there to pick up a slip, check out the register, checking the plastic bag situation, refilling the register with the receipt roll
  • is she goig to open up, is she going to take the yellow folded triangular thing, is she gonna take that off. And so everyone is not looking, BUT THEY ARE, and so you’re looking sideways, but slowly checking out the situation
  • When she takes it off people don’t rush automatically. they wait a bit, bc i guess that’s the polite thing to do. But you don’t want to be polite, you want to be next. You want to go home and tear into that bag of ketchup – or sour cream and onion – chips. if it’s ketchup, you have hostess, and, obviously, this goes without saying, if you have sour cream and onion, you have Ruffles. God help you if you have onion dip…isn’t that a saturday night
  • you look down, and you’re not sure if you’re going to go over, because the person behind you is always looking over. but she says, ‘can i help the next customer’ But, there are some assholes that AREN’T THE NEXT CUSTOMER THAT GO FOR IT, ASSHOLES! i was the next customer, not you! you wree next next, i was next, next means after present, , present meaning the person currently being checked out.. now obviously, you don’t count the person that has started putting cans, which go first, obviously, onto the conveyer belt, that goes without saying
  • so you look over, and there’s that moment, how long is it? a second, do you go, do you not go? man, and you might have the heaviest grocery cart ever, with just ribs, and cans of chunky soup, if that lane opens up, she’s gonna rear back that grocery cart, turn it sideways, and go for it.
  • And that feeling, you know that feeling inside, when you’re the first one in the newly opened line, and you’re going next, yeah! now you’re present, someone else is next, you’re being checked out, and god help you if you make eye contact with the person behind you which you beat, as next and now present, cuz although they are closer than they were before, they’re not where they wanted to be.
  • And that’s kind of how we are as human beings. We might be in a totally better situation than we were before, but if someone is ahead of us, it’s better, but it’s not the best. and so we’re kind of happy, we’re not really.

Hope you enjoyed!

Your Homeslice,

Michael Jagdeo

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About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
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