Tom Segura said on a Joe Rogan podcast that a comic needed a killer five-minute set. This is the meat of the five-minute I’ve crafted for my open mics. In other words, when I’m on stage, I’ll riff with the crowd for 30 seconds but then jump into the material below. In other words, I believe that the material below will KILL and have bookers rebooking me. Whaddaya think?
- Intro: my name is mike, and I have manboobs. anyone else have manboobs here?
- They didn’t teach me about this in lack of sex education
- When i was young I’d look into the mirror and say, yeah! look at that shit! I’m sexy! When I was young they were square with my nipples in the middle…you know what those are called? Those are called pecs, P-E-C-S
- Now what do I have? Now I have misshapen fleshy teardrops crying diagonally in front of my body
- It’s like…do you guys know Quality Street? Those crappy chocolates in the purple octagonal tin that only old people eat? Do you know the purple one? It’s flat at the bottom and triangular like this. That’s what I have congealed right here, and that’s not sexy at all.
- You want the situation? this is the situation right here! And it’s not good!
- And they are not pecs anymore, ladies and gentlemen…they’re boobs…
- I guess I’m angry because there’s no support group for us. Some of you, here tonight, suffer from this affliction. Sir, you know what I’m talking about. We gotta stick together. If you’re an alchoholic, where do you go? Alchoholics Anonymous. And you say, ‘My name is Michael Jagdeo and I’m an Alchoholic.” But where can we go? Sir, where can we go?? There’s no MBA, Man-Boobs Anonymous, where we can go and say, “Hello, my name is Michael Jagdeo and I have Manboobs.” And we cry and hug it out (you have to bend over when you hug because of the manboobs).
|Fashion (Retired Version)
||New Revised Version
I notice that sometimes a comic only has 30-60 seconds in a set and they have to think up a quick joke to use. This is that 30-60 second bit in case the Manboob routine goes overtime or if I finish both of the above bits a touch early.
Fat man tries Yoga
- So now I gotta fix this situation, so I have to start working out
- And so I sign up for Extreme Fitness, or in my case, Extreme Fatness…
- And I figure, let’s start with the easy stuff, let’s start with 30 minutes of yoga… I can’t touch my toes so I might as well start there
- They say it’s suppose to promote tranquility and calmness of mind…it was the most stressful experience of my life!
- I get through about 10 minutes, and i’m in downward dog, and this is literally how my downward dog looks like…that’s as far as I can go…it’s supposed to look like a triangle..it looks more like london bridge is falling down…
- So I’ve crossed that point in my life where I’m so fat that women are now better at gym class than me, and that fatty milestone is not one I thought I’d hit for a long time…