Stand up Comedy Five-minute Set

Tom Segura said on a Joe Rogan podcast that a comic needed a killer five-minute set. This is the meat of the five-minute I’ve crafted for my open mics. In other words, when I’m on stage, I’ll riff with the crowd for 30 seconds but then jump into the material below. In other words, I believe that the material below will KILL and have bookers rebooking me. Whaddaya think?

Manboobs

Manboobs

Manboobs

  • Intro: my name is mike, and I have manboobs. anyone else have manboobs here?
  • They didn’t teach me about this in lack of sex education
  • When i was young I’d look into the mirror and say, yeah! look at that shit! I’m sexy! When I was young they were square with my nipples in the middle…you know what those are called? Those are called pecs, P-E-C-S
  • Now what do I have? Now I have misshapen fleshy teardrops crying diagonally in front of my body
  • It’s like…do you guys know Quality Street? Those crappy chocolates in the purple octagonal tin that only old people eat? Do you know the purple one? It’s flat at the bottom and triangular like this. That’s what I have congealed right here, and that’s not sexy at all.
  • You want the situation? this is the situation right here! And it’s not good!
  • And they are not pecs anymore, ladies and gentlemen…they’re boobs…
  • I guess I’m angry because there’s no support group for us. Some of you, here tonight, suffer from this affliction. Sir, you know what I’m talking about. We gotta stick together. If you’re an alchoholic, where do you go? Alchoholics Anonymous. And you say, ‘My name is Michael Jagdeo and I’m an Alchoholic.” But where can we go? Sir, where can we go?? There’s no MBA, Man-Boobs Anonymous, where we can go and say, “Hello, my name is Michael Jagdeo and I have Manboobs.” And we cry and hug it out (you have to bend over when you hug because of the manboobs).

 

Fashion

Fashion (Retired Version)

  • So what do I do to fight against the manboobs! Work out my chest? Nah, that’s dumb. What do I do? I follow fashion and get the American Eagle Golf Shirt (you know, the blue one, with the white strips?) They all look like that.
  • The mind is an amazing thing isn’t it? like i know i have manboobs, but i do enough pushups that, if i flex, i have muscle!
  • But American Eagle ain’t making those golf shirts for me
  • They don’t tell you that their Extra Large is now in fact a medium
  • So I walk into the store, take the XL off the rack, get into the changeroom and I peeeeeeel on that badboy like I’m putting on my little sister’s socks
  • And I have to contort my body…see this (point to belly)? I have to suck this in so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to smuggle a defective pillow out of Ikea…and I have the congealed purple Quality Street candies…
  • But I I flex the muscle…and my ego totally ignores the manboobs…and all I see are bi’s and tri’s…like my ego is employing sexy misdirection
  • and then to show off , I go out and try to pick up everything like a weight…you need that hair clip? here ya go (strain)…
New Revised Version

  • So I gotta fix this situation, and by fix I mean try to work with this playdough to make something that’s marginally physically attractive. I’m realistic, I’m going for marginal physical attractiveness at this point.
  • So what does my mind come up with? ‘Hey mike, why don’t you follow fashion?’ (pause) My mind’s a fucking idiot. Fashion wasn’t created with me as the target market. You know what was created for me? Black XL t-shirts were created for me. Parkas were created for me. Down-filled vests were created for me.
  • Things like the AE golf shirt were not created for me. And what they also don’t tell you at AE is that their medium masquerading on the shelves as an XL.
  • So I walk into the store, and go to the back of the rack because that’s where they put the plus sizes for men.
  • I walk into the changeroom, and I have to peel this shirt on.
  • This shirt fits me the same way my little sister’s fit me.
  • The cotton is pressed up against my body like this. (scream) this is how cotton sounds when I put it on.
  • Remember those quality street chocolates I talked about before? It’s now fully congealed Quantity Street chocolates.
  • And I have to contort my buddy by sucking in my belly so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to smuggle a defective pillow out of ikea.

 

Contingency planning

I notice that sometimes a comic only has 30-60 seconds in a set and they have to think up a quick joke to use. This is that 30-60 second bit in case the Manboob routine goes overtime or if I finish both of the above bits a touch early.

 

Fat man tries Yoga

  • So now I gotta fix this situation, so I have to start working out
  • And so I sign up for Extreme Fitness, or in my case, Extreme Fatness
  • And I figure, let’s start with the easy stuff, let’s start with 30 minutes of yoga… I can’t touch my toes so I might as well start there
  • They say it’s suppose to promote tranquility and calmness of mind…it was the most stressful experience of my life!
  • I get through about 10 minutes, and i’m in downward dog, and this is literally how my downward dog looks like…that’s as far as I can go…it’s supposed to look like a triangle..it looks more like london bridge is falling down
  • So I’ve crossed that point in my life where I’m so fat that women are now better at gym class than me, and that fatty milestone is not one I thought I’d hit for a long time…

Michael Jagdeo


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About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
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3 Responses to Stand up Comedy Five-minute Set

  1. Pingback: Stand-up Comedian Revises his Bit | Diary of a Toronto Stand-Up Comedian

  2. Pingback: Laugh Your Nads Off Comedy Show Review | Diary of a Toronto Stand-Up Comedian

  3. Pingback: How to be a Comic – Should I Test Material At Open Mic’s? | Diary of a Toronto Stand-Up Comedian

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