Here’s a bit I wrote today after talking to Gavin Stephens, a nerd like me. He did a joke about Star Trek and it got me thinking…btw this kinda turned into a monologue…
This might sound like blasphemy, but I’m a Jean-Luc Picard guy. (crowd reaction) I’ll tell you why. First of all, I’m 28 so I grew up with JLP, not Kirk. Second, I was a nerd and I wanted to see nerds win.
See some of you guys deny your inner nerd, and you want to be the jock. You’re a traitor. It’s like in college when you had plans to go out with your nerd friends to see Terminator II, but your one cool friend that never asks you to go anywhere needs a designated driver to go to a party and you bail on your nerd clan. We’ve all done that, and we’re not proud of it.
James T. Kirk
Kirk was the jock. He’s the guy that got the hottest chick at every intergalactic sorority party he went to. He’s bedding Phi Beta Gamma, Zeta Phi Beta, you know the ones. And he doesn’t even have to have long conversations, either. They just go upstairs with him. And you’re like, ‘Huuuh? Whaaaat!?!?’ Ever see a guy take a girl upstairs and say to yourself, ‘How the hell does he do that?!’ That’s Kirk. And you nerd traitors envy that. You want that power. And you’re willing to sell your nerd soul to get that power. You’re willing to be corrupted absolutely.
JLP? Who was his love interest? Beverley Crusher. And even then I don’t remember them even having sex. They just exchanged glances on the holodeck, which is like recess. He has that nerdy relationship we all have in high school. You’re the best friend, and only exchange glances that you daydream about after school as you take an impromptu break from wrestling with differential equations. Then she goes off and has a kid with SOMEONE ELSE. And you’re still the best friend. And you never tell her anything, do you? And you regret that to this day. That’s why you like Kirk, that’s why you want to be Kirk, because he got the girl you let get away, and he did it in between saving the frickin’ galaxy.
But JLP, he wasn’t the fighter. He was the superthinker. See, unlike you traitors, I wanted my inner nerd to be accepted – not displaced – and that’s why I liked him. He always won with his mind. Now, growing up JLP wouldn’t have been the easiest to do. He’d get beat up by Kirk all day, let’s face it.
Craziest Bullet-Point on a CV Ever
Who has the better CV? I think it’s pretty obvious JLP has the craziest resume bullet point ever. In this Career Highlights at the top of his CV, he has quote ‘Successfully locked intellectual horns with an omniscient being.’ You can’t uff with that. When you gain the respect of someone that KNOWS EVERYTHING THERE EVER WAS TO KNOW IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY AND EVERYTHING, that’s saying something.
Who’d you rather have at the helm? The pornstar or the guy with a tactical military manoeuver named after him? I rest my case.
Tea, Earl Grey, hot, all day, errday, bitches.