This is a recount of my experience at The Port, a Toronto comedy show hosted by Jon Hyatt, a Toronto Stand-up Comedian, Filmmaker, and Actor.
A Toronto Comedian in the Rain
I have an umbrella, and it’s keeping me dry, but I feel like an idiot. Last Thursday, my girlfriend told me to bring an umbrella and it didn’t rain. So I walked around with an umbrella on a dry day like a mook (props to Joey Coco Diaz for that one).
Tonight, before I leave, she tells me to bring an umbrella. And in my mind I think, ‘Well, it didn’t rain last week, why should I bring it this time?’ What kind of Groundhog Day weather pattern do I think is happening? Thanks, girlfriend, you saved me tonight. The male ego is, well, it’s a blathering idiot sometimes.
Meeting Jon Hyatt and Gavin Stephens
I met Jon Hyatt and requested to get a lottery spot, but it turns out that I was late for the drawing. My fault. That won’t happen again.
After the show we talked for a bit about his DMT podcast with Mitch Hedberg. I listened to it this morning; good stuff. It’s great to know that I’m not the only one listening to Joe Rogan and Graham Hancock and googling Terrance McKenna while trying to get the right spelling of ayahuasca and MAO Inhibitors.
There are others out there like me, Scully. I’m not alone. Scully gives me that tired, ‘not again’ look, but I’m looking up at the sky already, my eyes wincing in the face of the sun’s 8-minute old radiance (look that one up). Music plays. Exeunt.
The cool thing is that we got to chat and that I put a face to the name. I also took a short streetcar ride home with Gavin Stephens, a Toronto comedian that’s traveled and traveling all across the world. He gave me some great advice and is mad down to earth. He said to basically get my butt on stage as much as I can. Agreed. By next Saturday, I’ll have performed 10 times in the span of two weeks; collapsing time frames like a BAWS.
Solid Jokes Never Performed
I never want to go on stage and just jump right into a set. I want my performance to seem genuine. I know I can improvise, and I’m always thinking about material that can play off the other acts. Since I’ll never get to use them, here are the some of the jokes I would’ve opened with that relate to the other comics’ material.
Comic: [made jokes about going to jail dressed up as Wolverine.]
Me: It would suck going to jail as Wolverine. He has quick-healing powers, as you nerds know. I assume that after getting raped in jail a few times, it gets loose down there. But not Wolverine’s. It’d be horrible, because his butt would recover and revert back to it’s taut self everytime. (Wolverine growl)
Comic: [made jokes about going to jail dressed up as Batman.]
Me: I can imagine Batman getting raped in jail. (sex motions) Pow! Boom! Thwaaack!
Comic: [made a joke about wanting a superpower]
Me: If I had any superpower, it would be to be impervious to the detrimental physiological effects of sweet and sour pork. Because it’s like kryptonite that this Superman just can’t get enough of, or at least that’s what my doctor says.
Performing for other Comics
Tonight there were a lot of other comedians in the room, and my gut reaction is to throw out my material in favour for something edgy. It’s like cooking for chefs. You know that steak should be served medium rare; that’s the best way to have it. But these are chefs. Maybe I should do this well done and put coriander on top. I bet Indians are salivating self-consciously at that one. We like coriander, but we cannot eat beef. What to do, what to do…
But nah, the last time I performed for comics I did well. Stick with what works, Mike.
Guy Gets Laid
I’m on the subway, and a girl just asked a guy if he wanted to come over. She was wearing that short pants thing girls wear nowadays with stockings.
Good for him. They seem destined for carnal relations. I wish I could hear Tom Hanks say ‘carnal relations’ in his LadyKillers character.
I’m on my griiiiind, homie.