The last couple times I performed my five-minute set, things have not gone as planned. My A material consists of 2 bits: manboobs and American Eagle golf shirts. In light of the recent semi-bomb and reviewing notes from each performance, I realized that the American Eagle set needed work.
Are you sure you want to revise it?
Yeah, I’m sure.
You gotta know when to hold ’em. You also have to know when to fold ’em. Sometimes you have to do a bit of both.
My American Eagle set wasn’t being digested like I hoped, and being the humble guy that I am, I decided to fold some aspect, hold some aspects, and pull some new cards out of my bum. Say ‘bum’ out loud. You don’t hear it that often anymore. Bum. It’s a warm word, isn’t it?
I’ve also decided to be more like myself on stage: calm, pensive, with short bursts of anger. I’ve also decided to let my tongue loose a bit with the swears. Not too crazy, but in a well-placed and thought out manner.
Here’s a comparison of the two.
|Fashion (Retired Version)
- So what do I do to fight against the manboobs! Work out my chest? Nah, that’s dumb. What do I do? I follow fashion and get the American Eagle Golf Shirt (you know, the blue one, with the white strips?) They all look like that.
- The mind is an amazing thing isn’t it? like i know i have manboobs, but i do enough pushups that, if i flex, i have muscle!
- But American Eagle ain’t making those golf shirts for me…
- They don’t tell you that their Extra Large is now in fact a medium
- So I walk into the store, take the XL off the rack, get into the changeroom and I peeeeeeel on that badboy like I’m putting on my little sister’s socks
- And I have to contort my body…see this (point to belly)? I have to suck this in so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to smuggle a defective pillow out of Ikea…and I have the congealed purple Quality Street candies…
- But I I flex the muscle…and my ego totally ignores the manboobs…and all I see are bi’s and tri’s…like my ego is employing sexy misdirection
- and then to show off , I go out and try to pick up everything like a weight…you need that hair clip? here ya go (strain)…
|New Revised Version
- So I gotta fix this situation, and by fix I mean try to work with this playdough to make something that’s marginally physically attractive. I’m realistic, I’m going for marginal physical attractiveness at this point.
- So what does my mind come up with? ‘Hey mike, why don’t you follow fashion?’ (pause) My mind’s a fucking idiot. Fashion wasn’t created with me as the target market. You know what was created for me? Black XL t-shirts were created for me. Parkas were created for me. Down-filled vests were created for me.
- Things like the AE golf shirt were not created for me. And what they also don’t tell you at AE is that their medium masquerading on the shelves as an XL.
- So I walk into the store, and go to the back of the rack because that’s where they put the plus sizes for men.
- I walk into the changeroom, and I have to peel this shirt on.
- This shirt fits me the same way my little sister’s fit me.
- The cotton is pressed up against my body like this. (scream) this is how cotton fibres sound when I them on.
- Remember those quality street chocolates I talked about before? It’s now fully congealed Quantity Street chocolates.
- And I have to contort my buddy by sucking in my belly so it doesn’t look like I’m trying to smuggle a defective pillow out of ikea.
So there you have it
Now, 3 performances is too small of a sample size to make drastic changes to anything, especially when 2 performances sucked and one went very well. I didn’t think that my ego could stand tweaking my comedy because of poor crowd reactions, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. In fact, I think that my revised version is MUCH better than the original manuscript.
As long as I remember: To thine own self be true – Bill Shakespeare.
Oh, and: ‘Mama should have cuffed me to the radiator, why not? it might have saved me later from my block, and wild cops.’
That’s right, Shakespeare and Nas, bitches. Word to Big Bird,