This week, I decided to find out why God was considering another flood. By that I mean, I endeavored to find out what the 200 million people on Twitter chirped about the most.
When I sat down to write this, I thought these would be the main topics:
- Arab Spring (if there’s a million of us and hundreds of them…waaaait a minute…hand me that rock)
- European Sovereign Debt (countries going bankrupt)
- Death of rapper Lil Kim Jong (and all Koreans said, ‘Yaaaayuh!)
- Bin Laden (or a reasonable facsimile) Head Shot
As it would turn out, I have exactly NO idea what’s important to most people. And after going through the actual list, I’m OK with that.
TOP FIVE TOPICS
1. Justin Bieber
You might not like his music, his horrible taste in clothing, or his unkempt newscaster haircut, but he released two albums and made a BOATLOAD of money in 2011. He’s followed by…get ready for it: BELIEBERS. I thought Michael Jackson fans were devoted, but Bieber fans are something else, man. Luckily, in the South Park continuity, he no longer exists:
2. FIFA Women’s Soccer
I’m going to spend as much time writing this as I spent watching women’s soccer.
3. Lady Gaga
I know more about The Lady of Rage than I do Lady Gaga. From what I can surmise, she’s gotten popular by making pop music and dressing up like she’s headlining a gothic-themed gay pride parade. She says she was born that way, but I don’t know any baby that had Pampers with an upside-down cross print. Thank you, South Park:
Sarah Palin’s Mavericks defeated the Miami Triumvirate this year. It also turned out that Gov. Palin knew more about basketball than we thought (Glen rice went deep from behind her arc). I agreed with Tracy Morgan’s assessment:
5. Jonas Brothers
Once again, the only reason I know who these guys is because South Park made fun of them:
So there you have it: that’s whats important to the 200 million people on Twitter.
And that’s why I’m going to build a !@#$!@#$ ark right now.