Kim Kardashian Didn’t Get Fucked; She Fucked Them

Yesterday I mused that celebrities attract us because they are the most successful of our species. It’s lead me to write the following bit that is going to be a candidate to enter my seven-minute stand-up comedy set.

UPDATED Feb 7 2012! Since visiting an open mic, I’ve updated this joke (older version can be seen at the end of this post)

Kim Kardashian Fucked them…now you want to Boycott her?

boycottkim.com - People that hate Kim Kardashian

Premise:

  • I was doing a search on Kim Kardashian the other day and I came across a site called BoycottKim.com…I guess they hated her.
  • Question for you guys…do we like Kim Kardashian? Yes? No? Why? (Element: Audience interaction | Results: Kept audience engage at Naughty Nads)

Punchline:

  • The major criticism is that’s she’s gotten a lot from doing very little. (Action: delivered matter-of-factly + nod head)
  • ….am I the only one that finds that….IMPRESSIVE!? (Action: stop nodding + turn head | Element: Misdirection)

Tag:

  • I’ve been trying to do a lot with a little for 28 years…it’s hard…no really it’s hard; that’s the problem! (Action: point to crotch | Results: Hit Naughty Nadz | Element: Misdirection)

How Does Kim Kardashian Get So Much Attention?

kim kardashian fucked ray j

Premise:

  • I have a blog, and for a thousand hits a day, I’d change my religion.

Punchline:

  • You know she gets a million hits? (Wait for answer) No, for that she’d get 20 million hits. (Element: Audience Interaction)
  • Let me tell you something: she could drop a cashew nut on the ground and the CASHEW would get a 500K followers on Twitter the very next day.

Tag:

  • And if it played it’s card right, It might even get nominated for, ‘Legume of the year.’ Unbelievable.
  • (If heckled, ‘Cashew is not a legume.’ Listen kumkwat: I’ll show you two legumes after the show.)

Tag:

  • U of t marketing professors should do a study on her called, ‘Popping Your #$%@#! To Fame and Fortune.’

Kim Kardashian Made Millions from Having Sex ONCE

kim kardashian built a media empire by having sex once - JagdeoComedy on twitter michaeljagdeo.wordpress

Premise:

  • Who’s the guy she had sex with? (Action: Wait for answer)
  • Some of you guys have it backwards…Kim Kardashian didn’t get fucked by Ray J, she fucked him.
  • Dude…she made millions from having sex once…ONCE!

Punchline:

  • There are pornstars that have had sex everyday on camera for the past 15 years that still have to use 2 Can Dine for 6.99 coupons at McDonald’s…she made millions by having sex ONCE, and it wasn’t even in HD.(Results: hit at Naughty Nadz)
  • What’d Ray J get? That’s right: nobody cares.

Tag:

  • Some girls get STD’s when they have sex…what’d she get? A media fucking empire. …and I’m pretty sure Ray J doesn’t ejaculate fame and fortune….
  • well, I’m 99% percent sure he doesn’t…ejaculate..fame…and fortune…

Tag:

  • Take the number of women in here…….multiply that by the number of dicks they’ve sucked…we’re talking millions!
  • The closest they got to making millions was the money shot they took in face.

Tag:

  • I had sex the other day, and all I got was a long sigh of disappointment and a lifetime subscription to, ‘Feeling Inadequate Around Black Guys‘ magazine.’ (THANKS GREG FOR THE INSPIRATION ON THIS ONE!)
  • Kim Kardashian didn’t get fucked by Ray J. You know what she did? …She (Element: Audience Interaction |audience finishes sentence)

for those of you who are interested, here’s the old version of that joke

Kim Kardashian Didn’t Get Fucked; She Fucked Them

Ray J didn't fuck Kardashian - she fucked him - JagdeoComedy on Twitter. michaeljagdeo.wordpress.com

Premise: Who here thinks Kim Kardashian is a whore? (shake head) Kim Kardashian isn’t the whore. People say that Ray J fucked her. Nah….you’re wrong….she fucked him.

Punchline: Hear me out. Name me the last Ray J song? Tell me how much Ray J made last year? That’s right: nobody knows, and nobody gives a fuck. Tell me I’m wrong. TELL me I’m wrong!

Tag: Now tell me about Kim Kardashian. There’s fifty people in here that know about her. There’s fifty people in here that saw her on TV today. There’s fifty people in here that have her on their Twitter. Ray J didn’t fuck her; she fucked him. She’s famous…where’s Ray J?? He’s still buying wife beaters at wal-mart in comparison.

kim kardashian built a media empire by having sex once - JagdeoComedy on twitter michaeljagdeo.wordpress

Sub-premise: People call Kim Kardashian a whore. She’s not a whore. The media’s a whore. Why? She keeps putting out garbage and they keep paying her to take it off her lawn.

Punchline: Hey? Whaddaya wanna do today? Get married? Sure. They’ll buy that…and I’ll make millions.

Tag: Whaddaya wanna do today? Make fun of my sister? Sure! Now not only will I get paid, but now I have an empire where my entire family is getting paid by the media…the media didn’t fuck her…SHE FUCKED THE MEDIA.

Staedtler geoset with protractor so michaeljagdeo.wordpress.com can become a mason

Sub-Premise: People critize her because she’s popular because of nothing…me, I think that’s FANTASTIC…

Punchline:: Kim! Teach me your secrets! Kim…what do I gotta do? Do I need to be a mason? Fuck it, I already have a Staedtler protractor that came in the shit ruler kit with the clear plastic case…what do I do next?

Tag: Dude, I went to the University of Toronto and got a Business Degree with an 85% average…I’m sitting in front of my computer day in, day out, day in, day out, hoping and praying and changing my religion just for the chance to get 1000 hits on my blog post…She drops a cashew nut and the picture of her walking away from said grain legume and Snap! 100,000 hits and an interview on ABC. U of t marketing professors should do a study on her called, ‘Popping Your #$%@#! To Fame and Fortune.’

Tag: Dude…and she had sex once…ONCE! There are pornstars that have had sex everyday on camera for the past 15 years that still have to use 2 Can Dine for 6.99 coupons at McDonald’s…she made millions by having sex ONCE…and it wasn’t even in HD.

Tag: Some girls get STD’s when they have sex…what’d she get? A media fucking empire. I had sex the other day, and all I got was a long sigh of disappointment and a lifetime subscription to, ‘Feeling Inadequate Around Black Guys‘ magazine.’ (THANKS GREG FOR THE INSPIRATION ON THIS ONE!)

Round of applause for Kim Kardashian. (drop the mic and walk off the stage lol)

About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
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8 Responses to Kim Kardashian Didn’t Get Fucked; She Fucked Them

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