Recently, I broke up with my girlfriend of six years. The biggest mistake that I made was that I didn’t get back in shape first. You see, I weighed 25 more pounds than I am right now. The bad thing about being in a long-term relationship is that it’s ok to become ugly because in part, you realize subconsciously that the woman won’t leave you because of your looks.
So, to get back in the dating swing of things, I signed up for this online dating website…you guys might know of it…it’s called Plenty of…Blueballs?
Completing The Profile
The first thing I had to do was complete the online dating profile. Now, being a writer, I figured that this would be my time to shine!! But then they started asking really hard questions, like:
What is your job?
What is your body type?
Uh…For a fat guy, that’s like the interview question, ‘What is your weakness?’
Um….uhh…Well, I think my major weakness is that I have manboobs, but I’m doing pec flys at the gym and they should be gone in a matter of years while I go through repeated iterations of signing up and then quitting the gym time and time again, each time gaining even more weight as diet after diet after diet fails, making me depressed and thus hungrier and hungrier for one four-piece KFC meal after another all BBQ-pork slice meal.
Luckily, there was a drop-down menu, and I chose, ‘A few extra pounds.’ Girls, let this be a warning to you: when a guy says he’s a few extra pounds overweight, what he means is that his manboobs have gotten to the point where the skin has started to fold on top of itself and he’s getting closer and closer to the point of becoming one of those guys who wears a wifebeater in the pool.
Please upload a profile picture
Sweet Jesus. I didn’t wanna do that at all. You see, when you have manboobs, you tend to avoid wearing revealing clothing…you know, like t-shirts, golf-shirts…anything with sleeves, really.
I realized I didn’t have any pictures I wanted to upload, and I sure as hell didn’t want to take a bathroom picture. A bathroom picture tells the world, ‘I may have 1,000 Facebook friends, but none of them want to be associated with me too closely.’
So, I opted not to upload a profile picture and completed the rest of the profile.
Crafting The Perfect Message
Guys, now I was ready! Now, it was time to message girls! And I’m thinking that I’m going to have a huge advantage on this site because I’m a writer, you know? I couldn’t wait to craft these endearing messages that would make a girl think to herself, ‘I don’t know what he looks like, and it doesn’t matter.’
So, I found a hot ass girl’s profile, read through her likes, dislikes, everything. I crafted this awesome message talking about how we had like 5 things in common and even tossed in a few witty jokes. When the message was done, I hit send.
Then, this message comes up:
You can’t send this user a message without a picture.
Mother fucker. Here I am trying to be Shakespeare and all she’s concerned with is the size of my quill.