Today is Day #4 of my personal challenge to write new material for 20 days in a row. But first, I have a confession to make: I’m not exactly writing new material.
This Is My Confession
I mentioned at the beginning of this challenge that I hadn’t written any new material for almost two months, and technically speaking, that was true. However, I quickly realized that I never stopped coming up with ideas.
You see, as I go through my day, I’m always thinking or seeing things that make me laugh. Maybe that’s why I’m perfectly fine spending time by myself – I don’t need friends to have a good time. Anyhoo, when that happens, I take out my iPhone, press record, and make a voice memo to myself describing what was funny.
So, when I say I’m writing, I’m actually:
- Pressing play on Voice Memo 1 of 643.
- Listening to it.
- If I like what I hear, I start writing about it.
- If the idea that I recorded doesn’t strike me as particularly funny, I move onto Voice Memo 2 of 643, etc.
When I say I’m writing, what I’m NOT doing is turning on my computer, staring at a white screen, and hoping that the Universal Creative Mind is going to send something my way.
Developing The Time to Market Muscle
As I was talking to Quinn C. Martin today, we reflected on the fact that most comedians don’t write. How did we know that? Well, because they weren’t consistently bring new, funny material to the stage. And I’m not talking about amateurs, I’m talking about professionals.
This becomes a major problem for comedy show producers. There are a ton of comedians in Toronto that can be funny for five minutes. The problem for producers is that it’s hard to book them consistently – even if they are hilarious – because they don’t have new material for their hungry audiences.
In commerce, time to market (TTM) is the length of time it takes from a product being conceived until its being available for sale. TTM is important in industries where products are outmoded quickly. – Wikipedia
What I realized is that writing new material isn’t just about writing new material…it’s about developing the knowledge, skills, and abilities to – in a timely manner – take the idea from your head and develop it into a stand-up comedy bit you can use on stage.
Lessons Learned: How To Wield A Loud Mic
Last night, I didn’t have the greatest of sets. I used my strongest material, and got a fair response. Why?
The mic was really loud, and the speakers were right at my feet. There are a few parts in my set where I get angry and raise my voice, and I felt that I couldn’t really lay into my punchlines because the volume would cause the room to wince.
As I sat down, I saw Lwam Ghebrehariat (featured above), simply hold the mic away from his fucking face.
Oh, so that’s how you handle that situation. I’m an idiot. Oh well…lesson learned! In my defense, he was the valedictorian of U of T’s graduating law class. They cover mic handling procedures on Day 1, you know…
Meeting Great Humans
A year ago, I realized that I didn’t have any friends. I had acquaintances, sure, but if I was to get married, I wouldn’t have even had a best man.
A year later, I’m coming across great human beings like Lwam, guys and girls that I click with, and that’s something that’s never happened to me. When someone died, the Greeks would ask, ‘Did he have passion?’ I’d add, ‘Did he have a best friend?’
Last night, Ian Brown, an awesome stand-up comedian living in Baltimore, came down to the show. We talked for about 2 hours, covering everything from The Wire to the entrepeneurial spirit required to make it big in comedy.
And so to any of you thinking about trying stand-up for the first time, please do it! Even if things don’t work out, I guarantee you’ll meet people that make you feel at home. Great friends make life worth living.
Now, onto the new material I wrote today…
Huh? That’s right. Tentacle porn. Most of my jokes are grounded in reality, so I decided to explore something silly and nonsensical this time around. I think it’s important to let the mind get off the tracks every now and then.
Calling All Directors
Note: these and other topics will be explored in my new movie: Fifty Shades Of Indigo: This time, it’s not just about the tentacle sex. This time, she’s in tentaclove.
Baritone Voice Actor: He was a tentacle who swore he’d never love again. She was Sailor Moon, oddly neither a sailor, nor a moon.
You Can’t Stumble On It
Think for a second about the way in which you have to type the words, ‘tentacle porn.’
You have to cover all four corners of the keyboard. That means you have plenty of time to rethink your choice mid-type. In fact, your fingers are covering so much real estate that your mind has the chance to say,
‘No, you know what? Not today. Today’s a new day. I’m going to look at wholesome angry white guy porn like a normal human being.’
Just Another Case Of Suppry And Demand
But perhaps I have this all backwards…perhaps the exponential growth in tentacle porn is actually the Asian sex industry responding to the demand that Asian women have for that type of content…which is weird, because I’ve never seen a bunch of Asian girls giggling at the back of a pet store while they sneak a peak at the new litter of eels that just came in.
Perhaps Asian women fantasize about one day meeting a smart, funny, and ambitious tentacle with no kids, a good job, and a downtown condo with a great view. Maybe the girl singing that song I heard at the all-you-can-eat sushi restaurant was whining about the appendage that played her for a fool.
If in fact these Asian women are attracted to long, purple limbs, how come you don’t see them with more black guys? Or is tentacle porn a way for them to explore their fantasy of purple love without all of the negative social capital associated with dating a black…too far? Perhaps. But we’re talking about tentacle porn. This entire bit is ridiculous.
I’d love to date an Asian girl. Do you think I should take a picture of myself skipping a purple rope as part of my collection of plenty of fish profile pictures?