Buying Illegal DVD’s In Toronto

Is anyone here still going to the theatre to watch movies? Haven’t they heard of Brimley and Sheppard? Eight DVD’s for $20! It’s gotten to the point where I buy popcorn from the theatre and go home for a movie marathon. No joke (double entendre!).

But it sucks when the store you’ve relied on for cheap dates with your girl gets shut down, you know? And you’re just walking around aimlessly, peering into the filipino DVD store…

And What Is Your Reason For Visiting?

Because you have NO reason to be at the asian mall…well, unless you’re buying bbq pork slices, of course. It’s not like you’re stopping by that special herbs store to get some Eye Of Newt and a bag of gigantic dried mushrooms that smell like an old man’s stale asshole.

Heckler Anticipation

Heckler: How do you know what stale asshole smells like?
Response: Because I’ve been to Dufferin Mall, that’s how.

Border Patrol

Can you imagine if they posted policemen at the entrance?

Policeman: Sir, what is your reason for coming to this mall?
Me: Ah, uh, for the sweet and sour pork…
Policeman: Sir, is that a list of movie names in your hand?
Me: What this? No…[As I'm saying this bit, I'll slowly turn around as if the policeman is cuffing me] It’s a list of movies that I want to pay full price for at the theatre plus $20 goddamn dollars for popcorn and a drink.
Policeman: Tell it to the judge, sir…

Knot Digression

By the way, how do they make that special chinese take-out knot? It’s so simple, yet so powerful. When aliens come to Earth 10,000 years from now, long after we’re extinct, they’re going find a ripped plastic bag with dried Lo Mein sauce on it and say,

Truly, this was an advanced people.

But then they’ll find pictures of men with tight pants and white shoes coordinated with white belts and say,

Truly, this was the reason they became extinct.

What’s with the tight pants? I saw one of these guys running for the bus…looked like he had an invisible Skip-it around his legs. I didn’t know they made Apple Bottom jeans for men.

DVD Reconnaissance

And you’re with your boyfriend or girlfriend,

You: You go in there and check.
Her: No you go in there and check…

And, being the gentleman, you walk in. You make eye contact with the filipino dvd store owner, but all she does is give you a blank stare back…what an asshole!! Give me a sign or something! Wink twice, say something in code like ‘No pancit today‘. Don’t make me wander the store, pretending to check out Sam Cook’s Greatest Hits sung by Manny goddamn Pacquaio.

G Dep wrote this song when he was the driver for a chinese take-out spot in NYC (Horra atchu first-born),

About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
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2 Responses to Buying Illegal DVD’s In Toronto

  1. carlos says:

    hey mate,

    I like the material about the asian stores. I’ve often imagined a witch from Grimm’s fairytales in one, spinning a product in her hands, saying “this is some weird shit. I might eat children, but these guys are ridiculous.”

    • LMAO. That sounds like a hilarious sketch!

      Witch lady walks into a Bulk Barn and asks the cashier:

      Witch: Do you have eye of newt?! (cackles)
      Cashier: No…
      Cashier: What about toe of Komodo dragon? (cackles)
      Cashier: Huh (disgusted)??

      Witch now walks into Asian herb store, and starts ordering:

      Witch: Do you have eye of newt?!
      Asian Cashier: One eye of newt…what else?
      Witch: (Stunned) Uh…toe of Komodo dragon…
      Asian Cashier: You want ingrown toenail?
      Witch: (bewildered)…
      Asian Cashier: When you ready you come back…next!

      Witch outside of the store mumbles to herself, ‘No wonder they live until they’re 500 years old…’

      MJ

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