In the race to get to the next punchline, stand-up comedians have to sacrifice a ton of their babies (and not just the females). However, given that I’m a writer first and a performer second, I often feel that certain ideas are actually better left unspoken. So, I’ve decided to post all of my comedic writings on a new blog. Here’s the first entry…
I’ve started doing that thing that all comedians do after they’ve been doing stand-up for a couple of years: borrowing their mom’s metropass I mean *ha* I’m pretending to be an actor. Well, not an AAActor actor…I’m trying to get paid by being in commercials.
Going to auditions is funny for me, because it’s basically like going on a bunch of interviews for jobs that, on paper, I’m totally not qualified for, but I still believe I can do the job? Does that make sense? Like, I know I don’t have a ton of acting experience, but how hard could it be to pretend that I’m enjoying a 7-layer burrito?
*Smiling* *Chomp Chomp*
*Smiling – > Disgust*
I’m there, sitting in the waiting room, competing against these classically trained theatre people, for the chance at a non..speaking role in a Taco Bell commercial. I’m there like,
…dude…youwentoschoolforthis? … *impressed* Masters in Fine Arts?
*Look away at the floor, impressed, but then he asks you a question which takes you by surprise and makes you do a double-take*
Oh me? I uh, I graduated with uh..Masters of..Fine Honeys..you know? *elbow* You know? *elbow* You know…
That’s my Fresh Prince…If you want to see more of my impressions, I’ll be doing a one-man show at NXNE on Tuesday at 4:15AM in the middle of an intersection.
Trying to make it
I feel like the Toronto equivalent of a semi-attractive girl in California. I started off trying to follow my dreams of being a legitimate actress, but to make ends meet I started dancing, and eventually I’m going to blowing producers, hoping that one of of them will choose me to star in their mid-life crisis.
And the interview’s always the same thing…
So! …mmMichael…tell me about your acting experience!
Well, uh, oh! Right now! I’m doing stand-up comedy like four nights a w-
Oh no, I’m sorry – *pompous chuckle* I meant your acting experience…what are some of your more recent roles?
Well…uh…Oh! Sometimes I swallowImeannnn..doo..ac-cents…*push tongue slowly into side of cheek indicating blowjob*
The Bait & Switch
I went for an audition today…well, I thought it was an audition…
I sat down with the person who was supposed to be the Casting Director, and right away I knew something was up because she goes,
Wow, you have really broad shoulders, are you a football player or something?
*Reaction* *fix glasses* *scrunch eyes*
And she starts telling me about all the work that she can get me, blah blah blah and I’m just waiting to find out how much money she wants for my *sarcastic* “portfolio.”