Crying into a Plate of Chicken Wings

BBQ Chicken Wings

You know, ever since I started this blog, two things have remained pretty consistent:
1) My anxiety/depression/fear of the stage (or more accurately, my fear of rejection and negative feedback).
2) My weight.

The first constant, so to speak, is something I’ve already beat to death. The second constant, however, never really became part of the conversation. Quite frankly, I’ve been a fat ass for about ten years now. You’d’ve thought that with my father and uncles passing away due to diabetes-related heart attacks that I would’ve woken up – nope. Apparently, my cravings were stronger than my will to live, LMAO.

Ignored vegetables have I over the past ten years. Unless it was drowned in Caesar dressing, croutons, bacon, and Parmesan cheese (not crumbled…shhaaaavvved), and fresh garlic, and came with a side of crunchy yet softly yielding coke-craving-inducing salty garlic bread, I wasn’t having no part of it. Not that I hated vegetables…I just loved chicken wings…ohh mannn…you know when the wings are sooo crispyyyy that the very bone tip at the end of the wings dissolves crunchily in your mouth??!! Awwwww maaaaannn. Thanks be to God.

Yo Whuddup Mah Naturopaaaaahhhth?!

Doctors doing black shit

*Sigh* Anyhoo, I recently started seeing a Naturopath. Some guys brag that their girl has a fat ass, big tits, and a metropass…me? Yo, whatchu know about acupuncture with a zero-dollar copay!? Healthcare spending account? Yeah, that’s what I thought. Let’s see that fat ass give you a registered massage. I gots me a BENEFITS CHICK. So anyways, yeah, I started seeing this Naturopath, and for the first time, he taught me how my food was related to my anxiety/depression.

lets see that fat ass give you a REGISTERED MASSAGE

He walked me through my bloodwork results LINE BY LINE, showing me that my red blood cells were too small, and since they were responsible for carrying oxygen, no fuckin’ wonder I’ve been anxious as shit all these years. The solution? Build up the molecules and minerals that support sizeable red blood cells. What, pray tell, supports sizeable, healthy red blood cells? Vegetables, of course. (Disclaimer: I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about. This is all second hand shit you’re getting in terms of knowledge, and the advice is filtered by the other issues that are going on with my body.)

The Proof Is In The Breathing

Over the past three weeks, I’ve added a small smoothie berry smoothie for breakfast and a half a plate of veggies at lunch and dinner. That’s it, nothing crazy. Still eating pizza, small amounts of spaghetti, etc. Crazy enough, I’ve started to lose weight and haven’t exercised! And my breathing is a TON better. It’s crazy.

What do you mean by Refreshed?

I remember the Naturopath asked me how I woke up. Bewildered, I asked him what he meant by that. He asked me if I felt refreshed. I asked him what that meant…you mean you’re not supposed to wake up exhausted?? We had a good laugh. Woke up refreshed the other day. Amazing.

So yeah

I really wanna become a great comedian, man. I really do. And for the longest time I’ve felt that this depression and anxiety were like two Goliaths fuckin with me every goddamn time I got a head of steam. As it turns out, I was crying into a plate of chicken wings.

1:40 for the win!

PS – Drop me a line in the comment section if you’re in Toronto and would like to talk to mah Naturopath.

Addendum
You know what’s funny? Right after I wrote this, I had to have lunch. So, I took out two slices of pizza, and was gonna leave the meal at that. But then I realized, fuck, if I only have these two slices, I could have an anxiety attack or feel depressed because there’s not gonna be enough oxygen flowing through my body! Yo, where’s that kale salad at…

Carrot and stick, eh*?

*Good job, Mike. A food phrase to end a blog about eating better? Seriously!? Seriously…

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About Michael Jagdeo

My name's Michael Jagdeo, and I refuse to write about myself in the third person. I'm a Comedian from Toronto, Ontario, Canada. In addition to honing my stand-up comedy act, I maintain this blog and write the weekly comedy article for blogTO.com.
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5 Responses to Crying into a Plate of Chicken Wings

  1. Cindy Allingham says:

    Carrot and stick, man, that is what life is all about. And eating vegetables. Nevermind all the fad diets, humans ate nothing but grasses and tree bark when we started out!!!!! Life will be as it was meant to be if you just eat your vegetables.

    • So true. Last night, I had deep fried chicken wings from a Chinese restaurant for the first time in awhile and it literally brought on an anxiety attack! I didn’t realize how bad MSG could affect me after abstaining from it for a month (we’ve been making everything from scratch, including bbq sauce!).

      This morning, I woke up afraid of that food because of what it did to me.

  2. Did my chicken wing post inspire this? I notice you said you eat the bone, too – nobody said that on my post!

    We do low to no carb – in which case you can have all the wings you want, as long as there isn’t sugar in the coating. Hence me using Frank’s Wing Sauce! Also all the Parmesan you can stomach 🙂 It does involve a lot of cooking for yourself, but that isn’t hardship for us as there is SFA in the way of restaurants/fast food locally.

    Last night we had spaghetti and meatballs – but the spaghetti was julienned courgette. Dammed lovely! Tonight it is a big baked mess of eggs, cheese, pepperoni, and cannelini beans.

    • Yeah, it did I think! I was also taking to my friend Quinn about BBQ Whiskey wings the other day, too.

      I’m really enjoying cooking from scratch, and I’m noticing that, more and more, my body is starting to have a rubberband-like reaction to process foods/msg/preservatives.

      I used to NEVER think that I’d get away from fried foods, but I’m getting to the point where I know how my body will react to bad foods, and no matter how good it tastes, it’s just not worth it anymore. It hurts too much.

      • It really does make a difference! We tried something new tonight, if pasta is something you miss – we julienned courgettes (zucchini – not sure what you call them in Toronto) and used them instead of noodles for spaghetti & meatballs. Lovely!

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