I spent the last ten years pretty devastated emotionally, though I didn’t really show it in real life. I imagine most people saw me as a happy person, and that’s because I was afraid of being not happy around people. I guess perhaps because I didn’t love myself, I searched for it in others, and it caused me to be overly nice even when I wasn’t being treated well.
I used to complain about people – a lot. I used to complain that they did this to me, they did that to me, they were bad people because of xyz, but people are people, and I was playing the victim. I’m not going to be a victim anymore. I am responsible for my life, and I’m responsible for what happens to me.
Now, responsibility is a scary thing for someone who’s chosen to give it up to others for so long. Sometimes it feels like being in the middle of the ocean without a life preserver, responsibility. Like you’re out here, all alone, a pawn subject to the whims of a tumultuous chessboard. And with everything changing so fast in the world, it can be a scary place, even for someone like me who understands technology and can always get a job doing something techy.
I won’t lie: I worry about taking care of myself. I worry about the future. But I also realize that those worries are a result of who I was, not who I am. I’m projecting what my future will be like based on who I was before, and that’s like looking at yesterday’s news to find out what’s going to happen tomorrow (Stephens). Tomorrow WILL NOT be like yesterday, because that person doesn’t exist anymore.
The interesting thing about life is that I don’t know how I could have gotten here without being there, ya know? Like, being depressed, having anxiety, getting the head tumor removed, everything – it all lead here…so how could it be bad? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had friends who have committed suicide, so I’m not naive as to the dire consequences depression can hold, especially paired with substance abuse, but my life is my life – all of it.
All of it. All of it is my life. This is not reality television. This is not Facebook. Peaks and Valleys, homie. Peaks and Valleys.
But just because life has peaks and valleys, doesn’t mean we can’t cultivate a part of ourselves that is detached from it all. That sees it all for what it is. The world sighs to me in a long rhythm, bringing me the peace and indifference of immortal things (Camus). Whatever happens in this life, as Mike, is mostly NOT real life. Real life is my relationship to myself, and my relationship with the world.
I used to be afraid of the world. I guess in a lot of ways, I still am, but it’s not going to stop me like it used to. I’m not saying I have it all figured out, but I’m a strong muthafucka, and I’ve been through some shit, lemme tell ya. I’m thankful for the chance to have another go at it, and you know what? My bet is that things turn out different this time around.